2012...

what do you know? some very interesting stuff about what could happen... google it... the end of mankind as we know it? definitely interesting...

deep breaths...

"aahh"
"fu...ck"
"i can't..."
"i... ahh... i know..."
"you are so... i feel so..."
"ha ha..."
"i'm... fucking... dripping..."
"i... ahh... can't believe..."
"that... was amazing..."
"that's the first... time i've ever..."
"i know... i can't move... i'm trembling..."
"i feel like... i'm glowing..."
"ha... ahh... ha..."
"we... have to... do this more often..."
"sure..."
"next time... we should run ten miles..."

bastards...

well... had a crazy last few days. not sure which dimensions i was in, but it was all strangely beautiful... i guess all beauty is strange really? that is why it is strange - it's different and fresh. there is such a lack of true beauty... i've spent a lot of time with a few people, or actually very little time, with a lot of 'beautiful' people that i haven't seen for a long time over the last few days. it has been physically draining, but emotionally strengthening. it's amusing the concept of friends... i love them all so dearly individually, but it's more than that. it's a group of adventurers that you trust their opinions and beliefs completely, and even when you don't, you love them enough to listen to their bullshit. (you all know where you fit into this...) i digress... it's the fact that we all go away and learn new tricks, find out cool and amazing things, meet crazy other adventurers, fuck up, fuck up, fuck up... and then we meet up and trade all of these experiences with each other over a few pints, and laugh, and cry, and laugh some more... it's always such a crazy time when a group of you meet up, and you always end up seeing the sunrise, but it's the fact that you have soo much to fit into these little windows of togetherness. another amazing thing, forgetting what i've just said about trading experiences, is that essentially it's about those little 5-10 minute chats that you have with EVERYONE when words are irrelevant. it purely about basking in the presence of these select few that you LOVE dearly, and literally enjoying each other's energy... i know i'm contradictory, but at least i know it... it's a constant struggle to know what you think... i have NO fucking clue most of the time... anyway, i love all of you - well most of you(again, you know where you fit in...) even though you are all bastards... but i guess you love what you know, and i know what i am...

so i jumped...

So I jumped… Fear, exhilaration, smile, tears... Falling gracefully; or it felt graceful anyway… It’s a strange sensation falling. It feels like eternity as you stare into the horizon. Wind whistling past your ears… weightlessness… utter freedom… That’s why I jumped. That’s why I always jumped. For those few seconds of bliss…Normal procedure was to drive out to the lakes. Floating sluggishly in the car down the snakelike summer parched roads. Even the music struggled to float thru the energy sapping heat…the heat beat everything into submission. We would park at the bottom of the daunting rocky hill and began the draining climb to the top. We ducked and dived through the dense foliage until we arrived at our concrete tightrope…the dam. We took a few seconds to admire the view before limberly dancing across the top in anticipation of diving into that cool blue lake. So, I took a deep breath, smiled, and jumped. Ah, weightlessness again… Falling, falling, falling, plunge, still falling, slowing, slowing. I looked up to see the light reflecting on the surface and suddenly I realised that I don’t normally get this view for this long. I attempt to kick to begin my ascent when I realise that I can’t move. Frantically, reaching for the sunlight, I lose control and scream. I watch the pockets of valuable oxygen slide through my fingers. Unable to break free I begin contemplating the worst. I feel as though I have been down there for hours! Oxygen is running out! Brain being starved! Eyes going hazy! Giving up hope! Plunge! I feel myself being pulled upwards! Rising, rising, rising! Air!

the new season...

it was such a beautiful day today! the sun was so bright and warm. it is great for the spirit when you get those first signs of winter's demise. it's like in narnia when they see grass for the first time again, and the hear the whispers of aslan's return; everyone is thinking 'ha ha! the white witch is fucked!' it was still quite cold, but you feel and see the subtle signs of new life everywhere. it influences your coversations too. tyler and i were walking through hyde park this afternoon and discussing all things cool. obviously... we were dicussing the future - our's and the world's. we spoke of aspirations, dreams, goals, etc. we also discussed the role of death and loss, and its importance in making us stronger, sharper, and more understanding. we both believe that it is necessary to experience these the darker sides of life in order for us to truly appreciate the things we love and hold dear. if it were summer all of the time it would become mundane. it's after the cold, wet, grey, lifeless winter that we truly appreciate the spring and summer. the reason today was so glorious was because i hadn't experienced a day like for weeks. we were following only the paths that allowed us to be showered in sunshine... it was a shower too. it was cleansing and refreshing. i am really looking forward to this year. in my blog about autumn a few months ago, i spoke of entering the winter and using the time to learn new tricks and sharpen parts of yourself that needed it. well, it's almost showtime... the new season is about to get under way... are you ready?

yes...

i watched 'yes' by sally potter last night. it is amazing... i cannot put into words how beautiful and honest it is. i am not going to tell you about the film, and don't read to much on the website either. it is better to be completely surprised... so please, for your own sake, get a copy asap. this is a work of art that is completely necessary in your life... if you don't see it you are missing the perfect tonic for all of this chaos around us at present. enjoy....
p.s. thanks to the wonderful kat drew for finding this. x

dreams...

something very strange happened today. well, it started a few nights ago actually. i had this dream a few nights ago in which i went to the almeida theatre in islington. basically, i went in and was speaking to someone. i explained that i was studying creative writing and that i really wanted to work in a theatre to immerse myself completely in what i love. there was no conclusion to this dream. it was one of several that night. the next morning i got online and stored my dreams from the night before like i do most mornings. there are two other friends that collectively do this with me. it's great to look back at them. i highly recommend it. since then i have been meaning to look at the almeida's website to see if there were any jobs, but not got around to it. today, i went on the site. after looking around it for a while i found a tab for projects. in this section there was something called the WRITE project. i found out that this is a project that invites writers to send in two pages of script to be looked at. they will then pick a few winners who get to write with professional writers at the theatre. i thought, "this is amazing!?!" so, i downloaded the form, and was reading over the project again, when i came to the deadline... i was gutted! then i remembered the dream... so, i manically looked back at my dreams, and sure enough, the dream about the almeida was the night before the deadline... january 31st, 2006... i don't really know what i think about all of this. it was so specific and lucid?!? i guess my lesson is that if you have specific signs then you must follow them immediately - no hestitation. it's not the end of the world as i'm sure they will do something similar soon, but it is context with my one goal this year - to be more focused and productive. ok. two goals... no time for playing. the fact that i had the dream i believe means that i'm in the right place, but i need to pick up the pace a bit. this also has more resonance because i have just finished the wind-up bird chronicle by haruki murakami which deals with that blurred area between dreams and 'reality', and how closely the two are linked. he speaks a lot about how both worlds affect our existence in the end. carpe diem...

jack...

it's been nine years today since one the greatest people i have ever met died tragically. it's hard to believe that so much time has passed... i remember it all too vividly. he was truly a special person who i will never forget. he was a brother, a friend, and the greatest clown prince that ever lived...so, here's to jack geitner, and long may you be remembered. no one could wear that scooby-doo hat like you my friend....

guinea pig...

so, i leave today to begin four days of medical trials. i am quite looking forward to it. i get to sit on my arse for a few days reading and writing, and i get paid for it. i might start another blog for recording my activities during the trials so you can all keep up with what goes on. i hope i am intact when i am released on friday - no extra arms, ears, or fuck forbid an extra mouth... no, it will be good. i am testing a new drug for diabetes. this will be my first major good deed of the year... though it's more for the financial benefit than for the poor souls with diabetes... anyway, i shall return soon with some stories to tell... check out my journal...

the master...

- political language...is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind -

- if liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear -

- many people genuinely do not wish to be saints, and it is possible that some who achieve or aspire to sainthood have never had much temptation to be human beings -

- every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it -

- speaking the truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act -

george orwell

god...

this question of 'god' seems to creep up more often as time goes on. i suppose it is an eternal question, but it seems more political than spiritual to me. the idea of 'god' is important because those that search for something more than mere existence need the prologue to 'modern' life. my thing is this - why do we need 'Him'. i apologise for the apostrophes, but i feel as though we are constrained and caged by these definitions just as these apostrophes cage our words. i believe our existence to be more complicated and intricate than a myth about a man who came and shed his blood for all of humanity. i think that it is a beautiful story, but it is simplistic. i think that he had some good philosophies, but they don't scrape the surface of what is really going on. we are all at base mere energy - molecules bouncing off of each other - reacting to each other. this leads to my next point. the people who believe in these things believe that 'god' looks after them, protects them, and heals them. my argument is that these strong 'positive' beliefs are what looks after them, protects them, and heals them. i believe, that since we are all merely energy; our 'positive' or 'negative' existence attracts or deflects our future. to live and see in a positive way attracts positive options, but to do the opposite, achieves the opposite. i understand the 'think negatively to protect yourself' theory, but frankly, fuck that! i know that things are dark, and i know that the future is bleak, but i still refuse to think like that! i might be in a tunnel, but i don't focus on the water and the rats, i focus on that tiny bit of light at the end, and how i'm going to get there. i'm not spouting some new age hippy theory, but break everything down to the lowest common denominator - we are only a recipe of molecules... that's it! nothing more, nothing less. we are the same matter as this pc, as a piece of toast, as a weight of gold, or as a large glass of oil... umm... cough! cough! it's all the same. these are only my initial ideas for this subject, so feel free to criticise, for this is how we learn - being told that we are wrong... please give feedback! this is an idea that needs imput from those that are more knowledgeable in these areas than me. this is all very basic... i leave you with the words of our lord monty python... 'he's not the messiah! he's a very naughty boy!'

again...

again... again... again... i have managed to fall in love again... why does this always happen? never prepared... never ready... she was sooo beautiful! sooo captivating... as she approached the bar, we locked eyes. i was prepared for anything but her, to be anyone for her. i just wanted to be with her... her seductive eyes... her sexy ... i'm still drunk on her presence... the seconds were like hours... i don't know? i'm sooo picky with my women, but occasionlly, i'm smitten... how can such beauty have such an effect on me? how can i become so powerless in seconds...? i wanted to kiss her... to feel her tender embrace... am i obsessed? no!! i'm mereley fascinated with beauty.... again... i want her sooo much... i long for her sooo much... but, she was taken... i will never forget... i can never forget you... aaahhhhhhh....

some thoughts...

~ "it is not a tragedy to die, but it is a tragedy not to live."

~ sapere aude - dare to know

lizards...

I see you slippery lizards sliding along a river of asphalt
Chasing your counterfeit dreams
Dreams created by the bigger lizards
Who have forged your river of black
And how you love your dreams
Why look at that new iron boat you drive
Isn't it pretty
Doesn't it fulfill you and please you
Look at that sundial on your arm
It tells you what time to go to work for the big lizards
And after you have worked all day
You can go buy more shiny dreams
And continue this cycle
Until you die
OR...

the chip shop...

It is with great dismay that I watch one of the cornerstones of our society slowly disappear. As a child, it was one of the highlights of the week to go down the local chippy and to pick up a delicious portion of fish and chips. Lots of salt and vinegar… absolute heaven! Now though it is so difficult to find them at all. Why? What has happened? I do like the odd kebab, and I am a fan of pizza, but there are times when only fish and chips will do. So, as I have witnessed this decline in numbers of the good old chippy, I can’t help but see the rise in stupidity. Hmm… Strange you may say, but look at this logically. Fish we have been told for years is brain food. It apparently helps our cognitive functions and therefore we stay somewhat clever. If I can then draw your attention to its replacement – the doner kebab. Not brain food, but processed chopped bits of red meat. Again, pause and think about this… Now, if you then consider the nation who consumes the most processed red meat in the world, and who also has the highest percentage of obese dumb bastards in the world, then I think you will start to see where I am going with my little investigation. It is all perfectly logical! It all adds up. So, the only thing we have to do is build more fish and chip shops, and the country’s evolutionary rise will put any nation to shame. We were an empirical force when there was a chippy on every high street. Look what we have become… So for the sake of the nation, and our children, and for fear of becoming as stupid as the Swedish, let’s bring back the chippy!!

art...

As I walk around this city, I find it very difficult to find truly moving art. It saddens me that slowly our artists are disappearing. Well, they aren’t really disappearing, but they are taking the bigger money and the comfortable lifestyle in exchange for supplying bland, uncompromising, unchallenging art. This sell-out attitude is sickening and socially disturbing! Artists are the minority of people who ‘see’ and are able to ‘tell’. We are allowed more freedom of expression than most because it’s ‘art’, yet we squander our opportunities to spread this vision. Surely we have a moral obligation to effect change? To use our scripts, columns, music, voices, brushes, pencils, cameras, our very movements and energy to at least try to do something about all this social injustice around us must be a given? It is vitally important at the moment that we speak out due to the corporate handcuffs placed on most intelligent journalists and the pure stupidity of the other alleged journalists. It’s not just the global issues either, which are horrific, but we must start at home. It’s New Labour, and their attempts to steal our liberty from under our noses, through the guise of protection. Their community support officers, ID cards, ninety days imprisonment for suspicion – not conviction – of terrorist activities… Has anyone heard of Big Brother? This is an Orwellian nightmare come true. So where are the artists’ protests? Does anyone care anymore?! Then we have issues such as religious hatred, racial hatred, mental illness, gang violence, sexual discrimination, age discrimination, just to name a few. The problem with most of these things is that people misunderstand what the others beliefs really are and are not educated responsibly by the media. The headlines from most of our papers only fuel these misunderstandings. We have much more of an uphill struggle due to the fact that most of our papers are built around celebrity and sensationalism rather than honesty and education of the masses. The young people and children of our society walk past our newsagents every day on their way to school and are influenced by these small-minded and unintelligent headlines. We have to spend time understanding these things. I feel we need to use our varied passions to help educate the young and the old. If we can make people see through the eyes of those with differing opinions it would surely have an affect on them. I understand people want success and money too, but surely we can dedicate part of our time to working on things that help soften these tensions and make us a more progressive nation. Is ‘art’ now only about money and status? Have artists now become post modern jokes on what artists should be? The problem is that we’ve missed the joke… This is now the status quo for ‘artistes’… I’ve got no problem with them being the self indulgent, self obsessed, pretty people of Shoreditch and the West End if they are creating controversial, and politically charged pieces of ART that make people think. To make the public think about SOMETHING surely must be the essential component of everything we create! The thing is unless we are careful, we will be sat in these places in 30 years time and everyone will still be having the same conversations, and we will look out the window and IT will be gone – OUR CHANCE - our chance to say something. We will have failed to affect anything but our health. I’m all for having a good time, but lets not that be the focus, but the success of our work be the reason for celebration! You may say, ‘It’s too far gone! There is nothing we can do now!’ I say that apathy is the reason we are in this terrible position now, and if we want our children to have any future at all, then we must start caring now! Maybe I’m a dreamer, but unless we can see a future, then what does that leave us to live for?

broken...

it's very difficult to see someone you love very much have to struggle through the chaos of life. it's almost unbareable to witness. i can take it when it's happening to me, but not some beautiful undeserving soul. the frustration of being able to do nothing really but listen. agony! why do these things all come at the same time? in order to make sure you really do break? my view is that at these times you really do know there is a god. the times when eveything goes wrong. this sadistic piece of shit with his dark sense of humour... not the beautiful things, not the enlightening times, nor the peaceful times, but the terrible ones. ahh... i don't know... it just really fucks me off! i just really can't deal with those i love sooo much having to bare these psychological crosses. they aren't even physical wars where you pull out your scarred war torn fists and say 'come on you bastard!' it's those internal battles that consume you for every waking second,and refuse to release you until you barely have the energy to crawl, much less stand or walk. its when you have cried so much there are no tears left. it's when you are staying in bed more hours of the day than out of it. BROKEN... it's one of those words that really have potency. it's linguistically perfect. it somehow sounds like the emotion. the whole process is so very strange tho. when you do come out the other side it's all like a bad trip. when you wake in the morning and reflect on the night it all seems like a bad dream. you can't and won't forget it, and you are aware of how horrific it was, but it all seems so far away. you remember how completely distraught you were, but it's like the event was so traumatic that it seems dreamlike. i have watched some of the most beautiful people in the world suffer through tragedies so evil, and some even be taken from me. you wouldn't even script things so dark, but they survived, and are now greater warriors for the cause. so this is for all of you, my brothers and sisters in arms, and to our eternal struggle. don't let the bastard grind you down!!! x

ice cream...

people sooo underestimate the power of ice cream! it's unbelievable! a couple of days ago, as i battled against the hordes of people on oxford street, i felt as though i would collapse on the cold wet concrete. i was certain my short lived existence would be prematurely ended due to exhaustion. as all hope was slowly disappearing, i spied with my little eye - the ice cream stand. with this renewed sense of hope i managed to struggled on. i arrived in front of this oasis of sugary goodness and felt like a child on christmas morning!! after much deliberation i selected my flavour and cooly floated through the crowds down to the tube... everything was so much easier now! the ice cream had saved me! i slid onto my seat on the piccadilly line, and like a cheshire cat i licked my precious ice cream cone, and coyly smiled at the very cute girl sitting opposite... she was jealous... i could tell... everyone was sat there with their november tube faces on. the "now it's fucking dark before i finish work faces..." if only they knew the cure... if only they had an ice cream...

roy ayers ubiquity

Ronnie Scott’s, London

I had heard the legendary stories of the ultra cool vibraphonist Roy Ayers for several years, but always missed his shows with much regret. So it was with much anticipation that three friends and I coolly sauntered into London’s most famous of jazz club’s. This was also my first time visiting the late Mr. Scott’s lounge, so this was making for an exciting cocktail of an evening.
Ubiquity comes from the Latin meaning the state or capacity of being, or seeming to be, everywhere at the same time. This describes the Roy Ayers sound exquisitely since he throws a plethora of sounds ranging from traditional jazz, blues, disco, latin, and even some rock and roll.
So after the Michael Deans Quintet warmed the ears of a packed house at Ronnie Scott’s, the band nonchalantly strolled out onto the stage all smiles and laughing among themselves. The fluidity of the band was something to be in awe of. The saxophonist who came to play here with Ayers many years ago, and never left, was mind blowing. He could hit any blue note on the spectrum. The guitarist, bassist, and keyboard players were all very accomplished in their respective areas of expertise. The drummer has an amazing future in front of him. He is probably in his mid twenties, but one of the best jazz drummers I have ever seen live. Then of course there is the man himself. He stands in front of his audience like a cross between a gospel preacher and circus ring leader and juggles his bright red drumsticks in front of you as he hypnotises you with his heady sounds.
They played several of their hits including “Lifeline”, “Get on up, Get on down”, “Don’t stop the feeling” and of course his most famous “Everybody loves the sunshine”. The adoring crowd bounced, swayed, and nodded as the pied piper of LA exuded such a carefree atmosphere. He constantly interacted with the crowd during this mesmerising and bewitching set. The first half finished around midnight and quite a lot of the audience left at this point, and in the second set when requests started coming in for “Everybody loves the sunshine” he gently reprimanded them for being late, before playing the song again. At the end of the gig the band all mingled with the crowd which added to the intimate feel you have at this venue. Seeing them was a long time coming, but well worth the wait. I look forward to their return, but feel as though they never leave this town.

hello autumn!

autumn has arrived once again... a lot of people don't like autumn, or maybe don't get it. maybe i'm 'strange', but i love it. i love the brisk winds and the cold rain and the leaves changing colour. the rain especially... it has such a cleansing effect. i love running in the rain! the autumn is a time for parts of you to die and wither away, but also to hibernate and sit and read and ponder and learn new things. it's like sowing the seeds of the new sides of you that will flourish and flower in the spring and shine in the summer. it feels quite natural to me to reflect the seasonal changes in my own life, and to follow the rhythms of mother nature. so it with great pleasure that i welcome autumn back for another year...