isles...

tip toe, but very slow, through puddles of smiles
crashing though isles, falling into phoneboxes.

my laces seem tied up, but don't feel like it
loose threads getting in the way.

sunshine accuses me of being lazy.
i argue.

rain dropping its soft shutters down,
asking for quiet, asking for thunder.

beige...

my pores long for more than suntans
unrelenting attention to full stops, period.
my last score of privacy allowed only silence,
before my lens of attention required beige.

it suits my cinnamon sins to like lavender lips,
but i don't,
i prefer acidic concoctions of this - bliss.
didn't ever want to think like this.

the moving line...

multitudes searching for equilibrium
like watching, slowly, a moving line of waves,
crashing down on a canvas of stone.
pupils fixed, and following,
the rhythm of shadows dancing in my heart,
not the cliffs.

ouch...

i dangle my cistern of damage, closely
crimson eyes
letting things pry
eye; annoyingly; stares
different dirty feathers,

mud, muddy, mess

listening to insanity, and inanity
prickly kiss incinerates sight
ouch

wanderdust...

laces dancing round my boots; can't be tied

ever dangling loose ends

dust laden legs stumble forward
easier than stopping


why wander? why wonder?
why not?
weary eyes, weary skies
choking on smoke


which direction suits me today
up, down, left, right,
doesn't really matter
trapesing necessary



destination has never been the point
just the walk
it's all about getting there,
not getting there...

why...

i think of you,

i think of you,

i think of you,

why!?

realavance...

Let me free, be, see, try to allow… us,

Want to fly, to try to buy… my freedom…

This is no ridiculous happiness.. 

This is hell.. My shell preventing me from saying hello..

So.. When will this be relevant.. In..

Sin is just an old old man’s thoughts of trying…

Is you.. Is me.. Is she.. Relate you fuck! Damn!

Ha ha.. What the fuck eva.. 

Lies.. I tries… troubadours and swords..

Will you ever  tree fuck a door?

Doubt it my friend… stamp it and send…

First class.. First arse,, lick..

Pretend to taste the glue, but you..

Lick again… want to do it again…

It;s a roundabout tricksy blend of coffee…

How annoying… where’s the sugar?

humans...

Humans are very strange creatures when you think about it. The abilities we possess that give us advantages over the rest of the animal kingdom seem to be those that we use least. We have the ability to communicate, to understand, and to express our true feelings, but we rarely do any of these things. It is such a rare thing to truly communicate with another human. Just to drop all guards, pretence, and bullshit and just be… We are so cynical now. Maybe we always have been? I don’t know… but what am I talking about? I do the same. I commit these crimes daily… but why? Why are we so afraid? We are a generation of lost souls searching for truth, yet unable to trust anyone, or anything… Why can’t we just be who we are? We are generally so worried about what everyone else thinks of us that we never actually take the time to figure out who we are and what we want… jesus… I get roughly 80 years, that is if I don’t get taken by war, natural disaster, or a random banana peel on the way, to revel in my current existence, so I’ll be damned if going to waste it. In all likelihood, this is it. When I close my eyes for the last time and draw that final breath – and slide into darkness forever… We all know this, but ignore it. Instead we allow the grand trick of capitalism to be played on us. To become the slaves of this system. We decide we need things – lots of things – and to pay for these things we need to work for over half of our life for them… it just seems like a lot of wasted time and money… success, surely, is measured in what you have seen, heard, tasted, smelled, and touched in your life, not what you have accumulated. We collect so many things around us that we are unable to see each other any more. Instead of trying to understand each other, we kill each other over vast rivers of black sticky cash. Instead of using science for progression, we use it to create weapons and bombs that can raze cities to the ground in seconds, and then we call ourselves ‘intelligent’… jokers… nevermind looking for ‘other’ intelligent life, ‘some’ intelligent life would nice…

It is not a tragedy to die, but it is a tragedy not to live. 

a square light...

a square light in the night. yellow, gleaming into darkness. you are otherworldly contrasted to to the pitch black dark blanket enveloping everything around me. fox darts, kat screams, a bird silhouettes itself against the moon. crack, crunch, pop - go the creatures of the night. the smell of a chimney drifts past my nose. mmm... soot... footsteps echo somewhere in the near distance. clip-clop, clip-clop. sounds like a young philly, except for the human cackle. a softer pattering blends with the clip-clop, but sound more like muted jazz beats, the heavy drunken imprint, like numb drums... mixed with a deeper laugh. the intoxicated homosapiens create a cacophony of sound blending with those of nature - one big strange orchestra. a shiver runs down my spine as my golden portal flickers, but a comforting warmth rushes through my veins as she returns. there she is! if i didn't have light, at least a little, if darkness could take over completely, how dark could the night become without a small glow of hope somewhere. the downward spiral of despair would swallow me into her lecherous arms, and in the pretense of love, drain the last sparkling diamonds of hope from my eyes until they were opaque and dead - i shudder at the thought... flick, flick, flicker... my focus is going again... no! flick, flick, gone... damn… another transitory window of hope disappears… they are becoming fewer and fewer... i must leave now to find another... while i can still see them... goodbye...

lick...

Lick. Taste. Mmm… Salt. Lips dusted with savoury flavour. Residue of sea’s soft kiss. Tender. Warm. Gentle. Sea holds us high on her back. Pushes us up toward the god of the sky – sun – then cradles us slowly again. Process continues as seconds disappear. Ahh… this my friend is living. Our vessel gleams with glowing white. The mast reflects the sun’s warm light. I gaze across her rippling gown of blue. Which glitters like diamonds in the light. Mouth stretched into a smile by invisible hooks from the heavens. Mother nature - the grand puppeteer. Lips crack with joy. Must apply more lip balm. Mmm…breeze blows, eyes close, tingle in the toes… Waves crash over the bough, and cool spray descends over us. Conversation changes with the direction of the wind. We swap stories filled with laughter, frustrations, and expletives – like fuck. It really is the perfect day. Times of silence counter these exchanges as we mull over them and recall others… Sails flap, and clap, then snap back into place. The sea – my spiritual home. Constant change against elements suits me. It mirrors the inside of my head...

vagabond...

Sun tumbles down with its colossal weight. Unforgiving,

unrelenting it laughs. It laughs at me stumbling along

this dusty suffocating path. I long for rain. Rain

is all I desire. My sun-parched cracking body aches

and yearns for her moist kiss.

My weary eyes scan the heavens endlessly. Looking and praying

for relief from the terror of the sun. No trees around

to offer relief. I wander on. Vultures, with their beady eyes

circle over head, and wait. Will I survive this hellish day,

or will they reap my soul, slowly?

Nomad. Wretch. Outcast. I am condemned to this fate, imprisoned

by myself, my mind, and this burning ball of fire. Oh rain, cleanser

of broken souls? Why hast thou forsaken me? Abandoned,

in this arid land of death. I am slowly consumed, drained, sucked

dry of life. A chalice of death forced upon me.

My destiny demands this I guess. To endlessly roam the earth

never finding rain. The comforting, soothing, calming

shower. I will never feel clean, pure, or whole. Ha ha! But this

is what I know... Madness descends, and disturbs, but

never conquers. I like it here. This is home. Vagabond.

rain cloud...

it has been a very long time since writing anything of worth on here. this is partly to do with having lots of uni work to do, but also partly to do with lack of inspiration. recently, i have had strong suspicions that the proverbial gods(every damned one of them) have taken enjoyment in giving me my own personal rain cloud(and that is saying something with british weather so far this year...), created by them personally pissing on, and laughing at me. others may have physically seen the odd day(3-4 days at a push) of sunshine, but not me. oh no! i have had this wonderful cloud of divine urine floating over my head at all times, which is just big enough to prevent even my ankle being touched by a ray of warmth. ahh... it has been terribly enjoyable... that is until monday when two beautiful things began the demise of my recent companion the cloud...

the first was going to see my sister shelley(aka rainbow) perform her final pieces of music for her degree in derby at a small theatre. she was fantastic! one of the pieces was dedicated to me which caused an upside down frown to form on my face. strange sensation of late...

the second was beginning to read the solitaire mystery by the incomparable jostein gaarder. it is such a wonderful book! i have read sophie's world and maya in the past, but hadn't gotten round to this one yet. he has this beautifully simple way of saying the most intensely complicated things!

it's the story if a young boy and his father travelling from norway to greece in search of their mum/wife, and an account of their conversations along the way. i won't go into too much detail, but you should get this book asap at all costs. i have smiled more in the last three days than i have in a long time...

one of the things he talks about is that people forget how amazing our existence is. think about it for a few seconds....? think about the chain of events over millennia that have led to you being sat in front of your computer right now! it is absolutely insane to think about! the chances of every single one of your ancestors pulling through severe illness, or a cruel war, a natural disaster, maybe a shipwreck, a stabbing, or a near suicide. it could have been any one of a million things, but they did, and you are reading this my friend... think again...? you see!?!? if one link in the chain had snapped there would be someone else here instead...

the thing is, we don't know the distant past or the future, and i don't care to argue whether we came from a single cell or a grand designer. these things are absolutely irrelevant to me! i am here! i fucking exist... and it's the most amazing thing!! we spend all this time discusssing things which are extremely interesting(i do like a philosophical discussion, and the odd glass of wine... sometimes at the same time...), but let us not forget to enjoy this amazing gift we have been given to the absolute fullest!! the odds of us being here individually to experience this playground of life is billions to one. we are the lucky ones!!

gaarder said this on page 107, "the unlucky ones...don't exist. they were never born. life is one huge lottery ticket where only the winning tickets are visible."

so many are blind to what they have been given. they slave away for the man, and they buys lots of pretty shiny things, and then they get fucked because of debt and work related stress... i am not saying that i am an angel, far from it, but it's vitally important to continually look at life through the eyes we were born with - those eyes of abolute amazement! we need to fall in love with our existence again and again because it truly is wonderful! like any relationship, there are times when you are pissed off and can't be bothered and just want to end it, but then at the very breaking point, you remember why you are there and all the things that you love about them/it/whatever...

there are some dark people, and some dark things go on here, but being numbed by their evil only serves to make us more detached and apathetic, and essentially hands the battle to them. i'll be damned!! we must remember what we have and struggle with purpose and vigour to protect those things, or rather this thing - human existence. our ancestors bled, fought, and cried for us which demands that we do the same for our future generations. i will always fight to protect this beautiful thing!! what about you?

it's been too long...

i have just realised that i have not posted a blog for a month!?! not good... deadlines are looming for uni, so hasn't been at the front of my mind. i will be returning on a regular basis after the 15th of may - my final day at uni. i'm seeing radiohead and dave matthews next week too, so should help top up the inspiration levels! in the meantime check out 'brick'. it's been done by friends of friends. support the little guys!! see ya soon...

2012...

what do you know? some very interesting stuff about what could happen... google it... the end of mankind as we know it? definitely interesting...

deep breaths...

"aahh"
"fu...ck"
"i can't..."
"i... ahh... i know..."
"you are so... i feel so..."
"ha ha..."
"i'm... fucking... dripping..."
"i... ahh... can't believe..."
"that... was amazing..."
"that's the first... time i've ever..."
"i know... i can't move... i'm trembling..."
"i feel like... i'm glowing..."
"ha... ahh... ha..."
"we... have to... do this more often..."
"sure..."
"next time... we should run ten miles..."

bastards...

well... had a crazy last few days. not sure which dimensions i was in, but it was all strangely beautiful... i guess all beauty is strange really? that is why it is strange - it's different and fresh. there is such a lack of true beauty... i've spent a lot of time with a few people, or actually very little time, with a lot of 'beautiful' people that i haven't seen for a long time over the last few days. it has been physically draining, but emotionally strengthening. it's amusing the concept of friends... i love them all so dearly individually, but it's more than that. it's a group of adventurers that you trust their opinions and beliefs completely, and even when you don't, you love them enough to listen to their bullshit. (you all know where you fit into this...) i digress... it's the fact that we all go away and learn new tricks, find out cool and amazing things, meet crazy other adventurers, fuck up, fuck up, fuck up... and then we meet up and trade all of these experiences with each other over a few pints, and laugh, and cry, and laugh some more... it's always such a crazy time when a group of you meet up, and you always end up seeing the sunrise, but it's the fact that you have soo much to fit into these little windows of togetherness. another amazing thing, forgetting what i've just said about trading experiences, is that essentially it's about those little 5-10 minute chats that you have with EVERYONE when words are irrelevant. it purely about basking in the presence of these select few that you LOVE dearly, and literally enjoying each other's energy... i know i'm contradictory, but at least i know it... it's a constant struggle to know what you think... i have NO fucking clue most of the time... anyway, i love all of you - well most of you(again, you know where you fit in...) even though you are all bastards... but i guess you love what you know, and i know what i am...

so i jumped...

So I jumped… Fear, exhilaration, smile, tears... Falling gracefully; or it felt graceful anyway… It’s a strange sensation falling. It feels like eternity as you stare into the horizon. Wind whistling past your ears… weightlessness… utter freedom… That’s why I jumped. That’s why I always jumped. For those few seconds of bliss…Normal procedure was to drive out to the lakes. Floating sluggishly in the car down the snakelike summer parched roads. Even the music struggled to float thru the energy sapping heat…the heat beat everything into submission. We would park at the bottom of the daunting rocky hill and began the draining climb to the top. We ducked and dived through the dense foliage until we arrived at our concrete tightrope…the dam. We took a few seconds to admire the view before limberly dancing across the top in anticipation of diving into that cool blue lake. So, I took a deep breath, smiled, and jumped. Ah, weightlessness again… Falling, falling, falling, plunge, still falling, slowing, slowing. I looked up to see the light reflecting on the surface and suddenly I realised that I don’t normally get this view for this long. I attempt to kick to begin my ascent when I realise that I can’t move. Frantically, reaching for the sunlight, I lose control and scream. I watch the pockets of valuable oxygen slide through my fingers. Unable to break free I begin contemplating the worst. I feel as though I have been down there for hours! Oxygen is running out! Brain being starved! Eyes going hazy! Giving up hope! Plunge! I feel myself being pulled upwards! Rising, rising, rising! Air!

the new season...

it was such a beautiful day today! the sun was so bright and warm. it is great for the spirit when you get those first signs of winter's demise. it's like in narnia when they see grass for the first time again, and the hear the whispers of aslan's return; everyone is thinking 'ha ha! the white witch is fucked!' it was still quite cold, but you feel and see the subtle signs of new life everywhere. it influences your coversations too. tyler and i were walking through hyde park this afternoon and discussing all things cool. obviously... we were dicussing the future - our's and the world's. we spoke of aspirations, dreams, goals, etc. we also discussed the role of death and loss, and its importance in making us stronger, sharper, and more understanding. we both believe that it is necessary to experience these the darker sides of life in order for us to truly appreciate the things we love and hold dear. if it were summer all of the time it would become mundane. it's after the cold, wet, grey, lifeless winter that we truly appreciate the spring and summer. the reason today was so glorious was because i hadn't experienced a day like for weeks. we were following only the paths that allowed us to be showered in sunshine... it was a shower too. it was cleansing and refreshing. i am really looking forward to this year. in my blog about autumn a few months ago, i spoke of entering the winter and using the time to learn new tricks and sharpen parts of yourself that needed it. well, it's almost showtime... the new season is about to get under way... are you ready?

yes...

i watched 'yes' by sally potter last night. it is amazing... i cannot put into words how beautiful and honest it is. i am not going to tell you about the film, and don't read to much on the website either. it is better to be completely surprised... so please, for your own sake, get a copy asap. this is a work of art that is completely necessary in your life... if you don't see it you are missing the perfect tonic for all of this chaos around us at present. enjoy....
p.s. thanks to the wonderful kat drew for finding this. x

dreams...

something very strange happened today. well, it started a few nights ago actually. i had this dream a few nights ago in which i went to the almeida theatre in islington. basically, i went in and was speaking to someone. i explained that i was studying creative writing and that i really wanted to work in a theatre to immerse myself completely in what i love. there was no conclusion to this dream. it was one of several that night. the next morning i got online and stored my dreams from the night before like i do most mornings. there are two other friends that collectively do this with me. it's great to look back at them. i highly recommend it. since then i have been meaning to look at the almeida's website to see if there were any jobs, but not got around to it. today, i went on the site. after looking around it for a while i found a tab for projects. in this section there was something called the WRITE project. i found out that this is a project that invites writers to send in two pages of script to be looked at. they will then pick a few winners who get to write with professional writers at the theatre. i thought, "this is amazing!?!" so, i downloaded the form, and was reading over the project again, when i came to the deadline... i was gutted! then i remembered the dream... so, i manically looked back at my dreams, and sure enough, the dream about the almeida was the night before the deadline... january 31st, 2006... i don't really know what i think about all of this. it was so specific and lucid?!? i guess my lesson is that if you have specific signs then you must follow them immediately - no hestitation. it's not the end of the world as i'm sure they will do something similar soon, but it is context with my one goal this year - to be more focused and productive. ok. two goals... no time for playing. the fact that i had the dream i believe means that i'm in the right place, but i need to pick up the pace a bit. this also has more resonance because i have just finished the wind-up bird chronicle by haruki murakami which deals with that blurred area between dreams and 'reality', and how closely the two are linked. he speaks a lot about how both worlds affect our existence in the end. carpe diem...