hanumantics

white noise

2009-09-24T23:17:00.003Z

Head smashes hard
Balloons, slip through cracks
Brightly coloured spheres
Escape and burst

Inhale - attempt to tempt back through crimson crevices
Lungs too weak
Bubbles drifting away, arrogantly
Shiny crimson reflections

Seems to have stopped
Nice.
Constant drone of pleasure...
Driving me up the wall

Couldn’t focus/think
Always - bzzzzzzzzzzz
Nothing connecting
Someone snipped a wire

Frustrating with no silence.
For days.
Everything blurs; one long vibration
Constant anguish.

Is it overload, or underload
Tried to fix it
Neither worked
Still buzzzzzzing away

Broken box in my head
No control, no remote
Had to smash the television
No more white noise.

Had to smash the television...

forests

2009-09-24T23:06:00.000Z

I remember the timbers
The bone chilling snow
Frozen tears of clouds
Daggers of slow motion

lullaby

2009-09-24T23:01:00.001Z

A song drifts gently
Raising hairs
Like icy winds
Lifting skirts

Chords of whispers
Strumming powerlines
Lines of energy
Connecting the towers

Green hands drying
Brown cracks appear
Fresh little flutes
Cease to sing

Quiet grey mornings
Replace pink
Ghosts reappear
In corners

opened and closed

2009-09-24T22:59:00.003Z

Fingers fail to grasp a grain
Breaking, utterly useless
I have the presence of nothing
The weight of emptiness

Skipped beats are welcome
Untied romantic shoelaces invested in
Another run, another fall
Bruised elbow and knee familiar

Always opening the door too far
Wind catches; rips it back
Slam. Closed again. More tightly shut.
Harder to open.

Swiftly board the windows closed
Curtains drawn, again. Again.
Another hibernation from smiles.
Another season of cold.

Cinders slowly darkening with time
Original blaze, a distant dream
Still hoping for salvation
A whisper of oxygen; of promise.

sinew...

2009-03-09T14:42:00.001Z

sinew stretches silently
deep ache
waiting with intent
inhaling icicles

watch wooded whispers
deft stare
sleeping strangely
breathe; stop

desolation drips downward
collar upright
stumbling in cushions
pummeling dust

rays raze relentlessly
burning ice
flesh incinerating
in metaphors

avocado...

2009-02-20T05:23:00.002Z

i flay myself
you place gently
responding to seeping
i sponge

i sting; burn
you are salve
scorn of separation
mop this

rescinding thoughts
blind ever; cloud
distant yellow sun
reserved spoon

scraping dust blinds
palta is..
ripping undercurrents
letting streamers go

purity...

2009-02-18T22:01:00.009Z

eyes locked as painting hangs
snowcaps, rock, and sky
apples held still in gravity’s grasp
roses sighing to the sun

rust and timber, ‘retired from shiny’
but offer aged elegance
clouds, the scarves of ancients
raindrop’s kisses soften wounds

nature/life dance wildly with winds
feeling gentle whispers
lakes of glass holding secrets
witness everything, tell nothing

silence blankets like heavy fog
clamour diffused
soul resurfaces from the deep
inhales; deep breath -

purity...

isles...

2008-12-02T00:17:00.002Z

tip toe, but very slow, through puddles of smiles
crashing though isles, falling into phoneboxes.

my laces seem tied up, but don't feel like it
loose threads getting in the way.

sunshine accuses me of being lazy.
i argue.

rain dropping its soft shutters down,
asking for quiet, asking for thunder.

beige...

2008-10-17T01:05:00.005Z

my pores long for more than suntans
unrelenting attention to full stops, period.
my last score of privacy allowed only silence,
before my lens of attention required beige.

it suits my cinnamon sins to like lavender lips,
but i don't,
i prefer acidic concoctions of this - bliss.
didn't ever want to think like this.

the moving line...

2008-09-28T13:12:00.003Z

multitudes searching for equilibrium
like watching, slowly, a moving line of waves,
crashing down on a canvas of stone.
pupils fixed, and following,
the rhythm of shadows dancing in my heart,
not the cliffs.

ouch...

2008-09-28T13:00:00.004Z

i dangle my cistern of damage, closely
crimson eyes
letting things pry
eye; annoyingly; stares
different dirty feathers,

mud, muddy, mess

listening to insanity, and inanity
prickly kiss incinerates sight
ouch

wanderdust...

2008-07-14T11:29:00.009Z

laces dancing round my boots; can't be tied

ever dangling loose ends

dust laden legs stumble forward
easier than stopping

why wander? why wonder?
why not?
weary eyes, weary skies
choking on smoke

which direction suits me today
up, down, left, right,
doesn't really matter
trapesing necessary

destination has never been the point
just the walk
it's all about getting there,
not getting there...

why...

2008-02-23T12:53:00.001Z

i think of you,

why!?

realavance...

2008-01-31T03:42:00.000Z

Let me free, be, see, try to allow… us,

Want to fly, to try to buy… my freedom…

This is no ridiculous happiness..

This is hell.. My shell preventing me from saying hello..

So.. When will this be relevant.. In..

Sin is just an old old man’s thoughts of trying…

Is you.. Is me.. Is she.. Relate you fuck! Damn!

Ha ha.. What the fuck eva..

Lies.. I tries… troubadours and swords..

Will you ever tree fuck a door?

Doubt it my friend… stamp it and send…

First class.. First arse,, lick..

Pretend to taste the glue, but you..

Lick again… want to do it again…

It;s a roundabout tricksy blend of coffee…

How annoying… where’s the sugar?

humans...

2007-12-03T00:05:00.000Z

Humans are very strange creatures when you think about it. The abilities we possess that give us advantages over the rest of the animal kingdom seem to be those that we use least. We have the ability to communicate, to understand, and to express our true feelings, but we rarely do any of these things. It is such a rare thing to truly communicate with another human. Just to drop all guards, pretence, and bullshit and just be… We are so cynical now. Maybe we always have been? I don’t know… but what am I talking about? I do the same. I commit these crimes daily… but why? Why are we so afraid? We are a generation of lost souls searching for truth, yet unable to trust anyone, or anything… Why can’t we just be who we are? We are generally so worried about what everyone else thinks of us that we never actually take the time to figure out who we are and what we want… jesus… I get roughly 80 years, that is if I don’t get taken by war, natural disaster, or a random banana peel on the way, to revel in my current existence, so I’ll be damned if going to waste it. In all likelihood, this is it. When I close my eyes for the last time and draw that final breath – and slide into darkness forever… We all know this, but ignore it. Instead we allow the grand trick of capitalism to be played on us. To become the slaves of this system. We decide we need things – lots of things – and to pay for these things we need to work for over half of our life for them… it just seems like a lot of wasted time and money… success, surely, is measured in what you have seen, heard, tasted, smelled, and touched in your life, not what you have accumulated. We collect so many things around us that we are unable to see each other any more. Instead of trying to understand each other, we kill each other over vast rivers of black sticky cash. Instead of using science for progression, we use it to create weapons and bombs that can raze cities to the ground in seconds, and then we call ourselves ‘intelligent’… jokers… nevermind looking for ‘other’ intelligent life, ‘some’ intelligent life would nice…

It is not a tragedy to die, but it is a tragedy not to live.

a square light...

2007-02-11T23:45:00.000Z

a square light in the night. yellow, gleaming into darkness. you are otherworldly contrasted to to the pitch black dark blanket enveloping everything around me. fox darts, kat screams, a bird silhouettes itself against the moon. crack, crunch, pop - go the creatures of the night. the smell of a chimney drifts past my nose. mmm... soot... footsteps echo somewhere in the near distance. clip-clop, clip-clop. sounds like a young philly, except for the human cackle. a softer pattering blends with the clip-clop, but sound more like muted jazz beats, the heavy drunken imprint, like numb drums... mixed with a deeper laugh. the intoxicated homosapiens create a cacophony of sound blending with those of nature - one big strange orchestra. a shiver runs down my spine as my golden portal flickers, but a comforting warmth rushes through my veins as she returns. there she is! if i didn't have light, at least a little, if darkness could take over completely, how dark could the night become without a small glow of hope somewhere. the downward spiral of despair would swallow me into her lecherous arms, and in the pretense of love, drain the last sparkling diamonds of hope from my eyes until they were opaque and dead - i shudder at the thought... flick, flick, flicker... my focus is going again... no! flick, flick, gone... damn… another transitory window of hope disappears… they are becoming fewer and fewer... i must leave now to find another... while i can still see them... goodbye...

lick...

2006-12-09T01:48:00.000Z

Lick. Taste. Mmm… Salt. Lips dusted with savoury flavour. Residue of sea’s soft kiss. Tender. Warm. Gentle. Sea holds us high on her back. Pushes us up toward the god of the sky – sun – then cradles us slowly again. Process continues as seconds disappear. Ahh… this my friend is living. Our vessel gleams with glowing white. The mast reflects the sun’s warm light. I gaze across her rippling gown of blue. Which glitters like diamonds in the light. Mouth stretched into a smile by invisible hooks from the heavens. Mother nature - the grand puppeteer. Lips crack with joy. Must apply more lip balm. Mmm…breeze blows, eyes close, tingle in the toes… Waves crash over the bough, and cool spray descends over us. Conversation changes with the direction of the wind. We swap stories filled with laughter, frustrations, and expletives – like fuck. It really is the perfect day. Times of silence counter these exchanges as we mull over them and recall others… Sails flap, and clap, then snap back into place. The sea – my spiritual home. Constant change against elements suits me. It mirrors the inside of my head...

vagabond...

2006-06-02T20:17:00.001Z

Sun tumbles down with its colossal weight. Unforgiving,

unrelenting it laughs. It laughs at me stumbling along

this dusty suffocating path. I long for rain. Rain

is all I desire. My sun-parched cracking body aches

and yearns for her moist kiss.

My weary eyes scan the heavens endlessly. Looking and praying

for relief from the terror of the sun. No trees around

to offer relief. I wander on. Vultures, with their beady eyes

circle over head, and wait. Will I survive this hellish day,

or will they reap my soul, slowly?

Nomad. Wretch. Outcast. I am condemned to this fate, imprisoned

by myself, my mind, and this burning ball of fire. Oh rain, cleanser

of broken souls? Why hast thou forsaken me? Abandoned,

in this arid land of death. I am slowly consumed, drained, sucked

dry of life. A chalice of death forced upon me.

My destiny demands this I guess. To endlessly roam the earth

never finding rain. The comforting, soothing, calming

shower. I will never feel clean, pure, or whole. Ha ha! But this

is what I know... Madness descends, and disturbs, but

never conquers. I like it here. This is home. Vagabond.

rain cloud...

2006-05-25T07:12:00.000Z

it has been a very long time since writing anything of worth on here. this is partly to do with having lots of uni work to do, but also partly to do with lack of inspiration. recently, i have had strong suspicions that the proverbial gods(every damned one of them) have taken enjoyment in giving me my own personal rain cloud(and that is saying something with british weather so far this year...), created by them personally pissing on, and laughing at me. others may have physically seen the odd day(3-4 days at a push) of sunshine, but not me. oh no! i have had this wonderful cloud of divine urine floating over my head at all times, which is just big enough to prevent even my ankle being touched by a ray of warmth. ahh... it has been terribly enjoyable... that is until monday when two beautiful things began the demise of my recent companion the cloud...

the first was going to see my sister shelley(aka rainbow) perform her final pieces of music for her degree in derby at a small theatre. she was fantastic! one of the pieces was dedicated to me which caused an upside down frown to form on my face. strange sensation of late...

the second was beginning to read the solitaire mystery by the incomparable jostein gaarder. it is such a wonderful book! i have read sophie's world and maya in the past, but hadn't gotten round to this one yet. he has this beautifully simple way of saying the most intensely complicated things!

it's the story if a young boy and his father travelling from norway to greece in search of their mum/wife, and an account of their conversations along the way. i won't go into too much detail, but you should get this book asap at all costs. i have smiled more in the last three days than i have in a long time...

one of the things he talks about is that people forget how amazing our existence is. think about it for a few seconds....? think about the chain of events over millennia that have led to you being sat in front of your computer right now! it is absolutely insane to think about! the chances of every single one of your ancestors pulling through severe illness, or a cruel war, a natural disaster, maybe a shipwreck, a stabbing, or a near suicide. it could have been any one of a million things, but they did, and you are reading this my friend... think again...? you see!?!? if one link in the chain had snapped there would be someone else here instead...

the thing is, we don't know the distant past or the future, and i don't care to argue whether we came from a single cell or a grand designer. these things are absolutely irrelevant to me! i am here! i fucking exist... and it's the most amazing thing!! we spend all this time discusssing things which are extremely interesting(i do like a philosophical discussion, and the odd glass of wine... sometimes at the same time...), but let us not forget to enjoy this amazing gift we have been given to the absolute fullest!! the odds of us being here individually to experience this playground of life is billions to one. we are the lucky ones!!

gaarder said this on page 107, "the unlucky ones...don't exist. they were never born. life is one huge lottery ticket where only the winning tickets are visible."

so many are blind to what they have been given. they slave away for the man, and they buys lots of pretty shiny things, and then they get fucked because of debt and work related stress... i am not saying that i am an angel, far from it, but it's vitally important to continually look at life through the eyes we were born with - those eyes of abolute amazement! we need to fall in love with our existence again and again because it truly is wonderful! like any relationship, there are times when you are pissed off and can't be bothered and just want to end it, but then at the very breaking point, you remember why you are there and all the things that you love about them/it/whatever...

there are some dark people, and some dark things go on here, but being numbed by their evil only serves to make us more detached and apathetic, and essentially hands the battle to them. i'll be damned!! we must remember what we have and struggle with purpose and vigour to protect those things, or rather this thing - human existence. our ancestors bled, fought, and cried for us which demands that we do the same for our future generations. i will always fight to protect this beautiful thing!! what about you?

it's been too long...

2006-05-01T00:20:00.000Z

i have just realised that i have not posted a blog for a month!?! not good... deadlines are looming for uni, so hasn't been at the front of my mind. i will be returning on a regular basis after the 15th of may - my final day at uni. i'm seeing radiohead and dave matthews next week too, so should help top up the inspiration levels! in the meantime check out 'brick'. it's been done by friends of friends. support the little guys!! see ya soon...

2012...

2006-03-30T16:26:00.001Z

what do you know? some very interesting stuff about what could happen... google it... the end of mankind as we know it? definitely interesting...

deep breaths...

2006-03-30T16:13:00.000Z

"aahh"
"fu...ck"
"i can't..."
"i... ahh... i know..."
"you are so... i feel so..."
"ha ha..."
"i'm... fucking... dripping..."
"i... ahh... can't believe..."
"that... was amazing..."
"that's the first... time i've ever..."
"i know... i can't move... i'm trembling..."
"i feel like... i'm glowing..."
"ha... ahh... ha..."
"we... have to... do this more often..."
"sure..."
"next time... we should run ten miles..."

bastards...

2006-03-23T01:03:00.000Z

well... had a crazy last few days. not sure which dimensions i was in, but it was all strangely beautiful... i guess all beauty is strange really? that is why it is strange - it's different and fresh. there is such a lack of true beauty... i've spent a lot of time with a few people, or actually very little time, with a lot of 'beautiful' people that i haven't seen for a long time over the last few days. it has been physically draining, but emotionally strengthening. it's amusing the concept of friends... i love them all so dearly individually, but it's more than that. it's a group of adventurers that you trust their opinions and beliefs completely, and even when you don't, you love them enough to listen to their bullshit. (you all know where you fit into this...) i digress... it's the fact that we all go away and learn new tricks, find out cool and amazing things, meet crazy other adventurers, fuck up, fuck up, fuck up... and then we meet up and trade all of these experiences with each other over a few pints, and laugh, and cry, and laugh some more... it's always such a crazy time when a group of you meet up, and you always end up seeing the sunrise, but it's the fact that you have soo much to fit into these little windows of togetherness. another amazing thing, forgetting what i've just said about trading experiences, is that essentially it's about those little 5-10 minute chats that you have with EVERYONE when words are irrelevant. it purely about basking in the presence of these select few that you LOVE dearly, and literally enjoying each other's energy... i know i'm contradictory, but at least i know it... it's a constant struggle to know what you think... i have NO fucking clue most of the time... anyway, i love all of you - well most of you(again, you know where you fit in...) even though you are all bastards... but i guess you love what you know, and i know what i am...

so i jumped...

2006-03-10T00:09:00.000Z

So I jumped… Fear, exhilaration, smile, tears... Falling gracefully; or it felt graceful anyway… It’s a strange sensation falling. It feels like eternity as you stare into the horizon. Wind whistling past your ears… weightlessness… utter freedom… That’s why I jumped. That’s why I always jumped. For those few seconds of bliss…Normal procedure was to drive out to the lakes. Floating sluggishly in the car down the snakelike summer parched roads. Even the music struggled to float thru the energy sapping heat…the heat beat everything into submission. We would park at the bottom of the daunting rocky hill and began the draining climb to the top. We ducked and dived through the dense foliage until we arrived at our concrete tightrope…the dam. We took a few seconds to admire the view before limberly dancing across the top in anticipation of diving into that cool blue lake. So, I took a deep breath, smiled, and jumped. Ah, weightlessness again… Falling, falling, falling, plunge, still falling, slowing, slowing. I looked up to see the light reflecting on the surface and suddenly I realised that I don’t normally get this view for this long. I attempt to kick to begin my ascent when I realise that I can’t move. Frantically, reaching for the sunlight, I lose control and scream. I watch the pockets of valuable oxygen slide through my fingers. Unable to break free I begin contemplating the worst. I feel as though I have been down there for hours! Oxygen is running out! Brain being starved! Eyes going hazy! Giving up hope! Plunge! I feel myself being pulled upwards! Rising, rising, rising! Air!

the new season...

2006-02-08T18:29:00.000Z

it was such a beautiful day today! the sun was so bright and warm. it is great for the spirit when you get those first signs of winter's demise. it's like in narnia when they see grass for the first time again, and the hear the whispers of aslan's return; everyone is thinking 'ha ha! the white witch is fucked!' it was still quite cold, but you feel and see the subtle signs of new life everywhere. it influences your coversations too. tyler and i were walking through hyde park this afternoon and discussing all things cool. obviously... we were dicussing the future - our's and the world's. we spoke of aspirations, dreams, goals, etc. we also discussed the role of death and loss, and its importance in making us stronger, sharper, and more understanding. we both believe that it is necessary to experience these the darker sides of life in order for us to truly appreciate the things we love and hold dear. if it were summer all of the time it would become mundane. it's after the cold, wet, grey, lifeless winter that we truly appreciate the spring and summer. the reason today was so glorious was because i hadn't experienced a day like for weeks. we were following only the paths that allowed us to be showered in sunshine... it was a shower too. it was cleansing and refreshing. i am really looking forward to this year. in my blog about autumn a few months ago, i spoke of entering the winter and using the time to learn new tricks and sharpen parts of yourself that needed it. well, it's almost showtime... the new season is about to get under way... are you ready?

yes...

2006-02-05T10:25:00.001Z

i watched 'yes' by sally potter last night. it is amazing... i cannot put into words how beautiful and honest it is. i am not going to tell you about the film, and don't read to much on the website either. it is better to be completely surprised... so please, for your own sake, get a copy asap. this is a work of art that is completely necessary in your life... if you don't see it you are missing the perfect tonic for all of this chaos around us at present. enjoy....
p.s. thanks to the wonderful kat drew for finding this. x

dreams...

2006-02-02T17:00:00.000Z

something very strange happened today. well, it started a few nights ago actually. i had this dream a few nights ago in which i went to the almeida theatre in islington. basically, i went in and was speaking to someone. i explained that i was studying creative writing and that i really wanted to work in a theatre to immerse myself completely in what i love. there was no conclusion to this dream. it was one of several that night. the next morning i got online and stored my dreams from the night before like i do most mornings. there are two other friends that collectively do this with me. it's great to look back at them. i highly recommend it. since then i have been meaning to look at the almeida's website to see if there were any jobs, but not got around to it. today, i went on the site. after looking around it for a while i found a tab for projects. in this section there was something called the WRITE project. i found out that this is a project that invites writers to send in two pages of script to be looked at. they will then pick a few winners who get to write with professional writers at the theatre. i thought, "this is amazing!?!" so, i downloaded the form, and was reading over the project again, when i came to the deadline... i was gutted! then i remembered the dream... so, i manically looked back at my dreams, and sure enough, the dream about the almeida was the night before the deadline... january 31st, 2006... i don't really know what i think about all of this. it was so specific and lucid?!? i guess my lesson is that if you have specific signs then you must follow them immediately - no hestitation. it's not the end of the world as i'm sure they will do something similar soon, but it is context with my one goal this year - to be more focused and productive. ok. two goals... no time for playing. the fact that i had the dream i believe means that i'm in the right place, but i need to pick up the pace a bit. this also has more resonance because i have just finished the wind-up bird chronicle by haruki murakami which deals with that blurred area between dreams and 'reality', and how closely the two are linked. he speaks a lot about how both worlds affect our existence in the end. carpe diem...

jack...

2006-01-26T22:44:00.000Z

it's been nine years today since one the greatest people i have ever met died tragically. it's hard to believe that so much time has passed... i remember it all too vividly. he was truly a special person who i will never forget. he was a brother, a friend, and the greatest clown prince that ever lived...so, here's to jack geitner, and long may you be remembered. no one could wear that scooby-doo hat like you my friend....

guinea pig...

2006-01-23T11:37:00.000Z

so, i leave today to begin four days of medical trials. i am quite looking forward to it. i get to sit on my arse for a few days reading and writing, and i get paid for it. i might start another blog for recording my activities during the trials so you can all keep up with what goes on. i hope i am intact when i am released on friday - no extra arms, ears, or fuck forbid an extra mouth... no, it will be good. i am testing a new drug for diabetes. this will be my first major good deed of the year... though it's more for the financial benefit than for the poor souls with diabetes... anyway, i shall return soon with some stories to tell... check out my journal...

the master...

2006-01-22T16:01:00.000Z

- political language...is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind -

- if liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear -

- many people genuinely do not wish to be saints, and it is possible that some who achieve or aspire to sainthood have never had much temptation to be human beings -

- every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it -

- speaking the truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act -

george orwell

god...

2006-01-10T00:42:00.000Z

this question of 'god' seems to creep up more often as time goes on. i suppose it is an eternal question, but it seems more political than spiritual to me. the idea of 'god' is important because those that search for something more than mere existence need the prologue to 'modern' life. my thing is this - why do we need 'Him'. i apologise for the apostrophes, but i feel as though we are constrained and caged by these definitions just as these apostrophes cage our words. i believe our existence to be more complicated and intricate than a myth about a man who came and shed his blood for all of humanity. i think that it is a beautiful story, but it is simplistic. i think that he had some good philosophies, but they don't scrape the surface of what is really going on. we are all at base mere energy - molecules bouncing off of each other - reacting to each other. this leads to my next point. the people who believe in these things believe that 'god' looks after them, protects them, and heals them. my argument is that these strong 'positive' beliefs are what looks after them, protects them, and heals them. i believe, that since we are all merely energy; our 'positive' or 'negative' existence attracts or deflects our future. to live and see in a positive way attracts positive options, but to do the opposite, achieves the opposite. i understand the 'think negatively to protect yourself' theory, but frankly, fuck that! i know that things are dark, and i know that the future is bleak, but i still refuse to think like that! i might be in a tunnel, but i don't focus on the water and the rats, i focus on that tiny bit of light at the end, and how i'm going to get there. i'm not spouting some new age hippy theory, but break everything down to the lowest common denominator - we are only a recipe of molecules... that's it! nothing more, nothing less. we are the same matter as this pc, as a piece of toast, as a weight of gold, or as a large glass of oil... umm... cough! cough! it's all the same. these are only my initial ideas for this subject, so feel free to criticise, for this is how we learn - being told that we are wrong... please give feedback! this is an idea that needs imput from those that are more knowledgeable in these areas than me. this is all very basic... i leave you with the words of our lord monty python... 'he's not the messiah! he's a very naughty boy!'

again...

2005-12-17T04:29:00.001Z

again... again... again... i have managed to fall in love again... why does this always happen? never prepared... never ready... she was sooo beautiful! sooo captivating... as she approached the bar, we locked eyes. i was prepared for anything but her, to be anyone for her. i just wanted to be with her... her seductive eyes... her sexy ... i'm still drunk on her presence... the seconds were like hours... i don't know? i'm sooo picky with my women, but occasionlly, i'm smitten... how can such beauty have such an effect on me? how can i become so powerless in seconds...? i wanted to kiss her... to feel her tender embrace... am i obsessed? no!! i'm mereley fascinated with beauty.... again... i want her sooo much... i long for her sooo much... but, she was taken... i will never forget... i can never forget you... aaahhhhhhh....

some thoughts...

2005-11-24T10:20:00.001Z

~ "it is not a tragedy to die, but it is a tragedy not to live."

~ sapere aude - dare to know

lizards...

2005-11-20T23:48:00.001Z

I see you slippery lizards sliding along a river of asphalt
Chasing your counterfeit dreams
Dreams created by the bigger lizards
Who have forged your river of black
And how you love your dreams
Why look at that new iron boat you drive
Isn't it pretty
Doesn't it fulfill you and please you
Look at that sundial on your arm
It tells you what time to go to work for the big lizards
And after you have worked all day
You can go buy more shiny dreams
And continue this cycle
Until you die
OR...

the chip shop...

2005-11-17T19:15:00.000Z

It is with great dismay that I watch one of the cornerstones of our society slowly disappear. As a child, it was one of the highlights of the week to go down the local chippy and to pick up a delicious portion of fish and chips. Lots of salt and vinegar… absolute heaven! Now though it is so difficult to find them at all. Why? What has happened? I do like the odd kebab, and I am a fan of pizza, but there are times when only fish and chips will do. So, as I have witnessed this decline in numbers of the good old chippy, I can’t help but see the rise in stupidity. Hmm… Strange you may say, but look at this logically. Fish we have been told for years is brain food. It apparently helps our cognitive functions and therefore we stay somewhat clever. If I can then draw your attention to its replacement – the doner kebab. Not brain food, but processed chopped bits of red meat. Again, pause and think about this… Now, if you then consider the nation who consumes the most processed red meat in the world, and who also has the highest percentage of obese dumb bastards in the world, then I think you will start to see where I am going with my little investigation. It is all perfectly logical! It all adds up. So, the only thing we have to do is build more fish and chip shops, and the country’s evolutionary rise will put any nation to shame. We were an empirical force when there was a chippy on every high street. Look what we have become… So for the sake of the nation, and our children, and for fear of becoming as stupid as the Swedish, let’s bring back the chippy!!

art...

2005-11-17T00:27:00.000Z

As I walk around this city, I find it very difficult to find truly moving art. It saddens me that slowly our artists are disappearing. Well, they aren’t really disappearing, but they are taking the bigger money and the comfortable lifestyle in exchange for supplying bland, uncompromising, unchallenging art. This sell-out attitude is sickening and socially disturbing! Artists are the minority of people who ‘see’ and are able to ‘tell’. We are allowed more freedom of expression than most because it’s ‘art’, yet we squander our opportunities to spread this vision. Surely we have a moral obligation to effect change? To use our scripts, columns, music, voices, brushes, pencils, cameras, our very movements and energy to at least try to do something about all this social injustice around us must be a given? It is vitally important at the moment that we speak out due to the corporate handcuffs placed on most intelligent journalists and the pure stupidity of the other alleged journalists. It’s not just the global issues either, which are horrific, but we must start at home. It’s New Labour, and their attempts to steal our liberty from under our noses, through the guise of protection. Their community support officers, ID cards, ninety days imprisonment for suspicion – not conviction – of terrorist activities… Has anyone heard of Big Brother? This is an Orwellian nightmare come true. So where are the artists’ protests? Does anyone care anymore?! Then we have issues such as religious hatred, racial hatred, mental illness, gang violence, sexual discrimination, age discrimination, just to name a few. The problem with most of these things is that people misunderstand what the others beliefs really are and are not educated responsibly by the media. The headlines from most of our papers only fuel these misunderstandings. We have much more of an uphill struggle due to the fact that most of our papers are built around celebrity and sensationalism rather than honesty and education of the masses. The young people and children of our society walk past our newsagents every day on their way to school and are influenced by these small-minded and unintelligent headlines. We have to spend time understanding these things. I feel we need to use our varied passions to help educate the young and the old. If we can make people see through the eyes of those with differing opinions it would surely have an affect on them. I understand people want success and money too, but surely we can dedicate part of our time to working on things that help soften these tensions and make us a more progressive nation. Is ‘art’ now only about money and status? Have artists now become post modern jokes on what artists should be? The problem is that we’ve missed the joke… This is now the status quo for ‘artistes’… I’ve got no problem with them being the self indulgent, self obsessed, pretty people of Shoreditch and the West End if they are creating controversial, and politically charged pieces of ART that make people think. To make the public think about SOMETHING surely must be the essential component of everything we create! The thing is unless we are careful, we will be sat in these places in 30 years time and everyone will still be having the same conversations, and we will look out the window and IT will be gone – OUR CHANCE - our chance to say something. We will have failed to affect anything but our health. I’m all for having a good time, but lets not that be the focus, but the success of our work be the reason for celebration! You may say, ‘It’s too far gone! There is nothing we can do now!’ I say that apathy is the reason we are in this terrible position now, and if we want our children to have any future at all, then we must start caring now! Maybe I’m a dreamer, but unless we can see a future, then what does that leave us to live for?

broken...

2005-11-11T17:34:00.000Z

it's very difficult to see someone you love very much have to struggle through the chaos of life. it's almost unbareable to witness. i can take it when it's happening to me, but not some beautiful undeserving soul. the frustration of being able to do nothing really but listen. agony! why do these things all come at the same time? in order to make sure you really do break? my view is that at these times you really do know there is a god. the times when eveything goes wrong. this sadistic piece of shit with his dark sense of humour... not the beautiful things, not the enlightening times, nor the peaceful times, but the terrible ones. ahh... i don't know... it just really fucks me off! i just really can't deal with those i love sooo much having to bare these psychological crosses. they aren't even physical wars where you pull out your scarred war torn fists and say 'come on you bastard!' it's those internal battles that consume you for every waking second,and refuse to release you until you barely have the energy to crawl, much less stand or walk. its when you have cried so much there are no tears left. it's when you are staying in bed more hours of the day than out of it. BROKEN... it's one of those words that really have potency. it's linguistically perfect. it somehow sounds like the emotion. the whole process is so very strange tho. when you do come out the other side it's all like a bad trip. when you wake in the morning and reflect on the night it all seems like a bad dream. you can't and won't forget it, and you are aware of how horrific it was, but it all seems so far away. you remember how completely distraught you were, but it's like the event was so traumatic that it seems dreamlike. i have watched some of the most beautiful people in the world suffer through tragedies so evil, and some even be taken from me. you wouldn't even script things so dark, but they survived, and are now greater warriors for the cause. so this is for all of you, my brothers and sisters in arms, and to our eternal struggle. don't let the bastard grind you down!!! x

ice cream...

2005-11-08T23:42:00.000Z

people sooo underestimate the power of ice cream! it's unbelievable! a couple of days ago, as i battled against the hordes of people on oxford street, i felt as though i would collapse on the cold wet concrete. i was certain my short lived existence would be prematurely ended due to exhaustion. as all hope was slowly disappearing, i spied with my little eye - the ice cream stand. with this renewed sense of hope i managed to struggled on. i arrived in front of this oasis of sugary goodness and felt like a child on christmas morning!! after much deliberation i selected my flavour and cooly floated through the crowds down to the tube... everything was so much easier now! the ice cream had saved me! i slid onto my seat on the piccadilly line, and like a cheshire cat i licked my precious ice cream cone, and coyly smiled at the very cute girl sitting opposite... she was jealous... i could tell... everyone was sat there with their november tube faces on. the "now it's fucking dark before i finish work faces..." if only they knew the cure... if only they had an ice cream...

roy ayers ubiquity

2005-11-07T20:29:00.000Z

Ronnie Scott’s, London

I had heard the legendary stories of the ultra cool vibraphonist Roy Ayers for several years, but always missed his shows with much regret. So it was with much anticipation that three friends and I coolly sauntered into London’s most famous of jazz club’s. This was also my first time visiting the late Mr. Scott’s lounge, so this was making for an exciting cocktail of an evening.
Ubiquity comes from the Latin meaning the state or capacity of being, or seeming to be, everywhere at the same time. This describes the Roy Ayers sound exquisitely since he throws a plethora of sounds ranging from traditional jazz, blues, disco, latin, and even some rock and roll.
So after the Michael Deans Quintet warmed the ears of a packed house at Ronnie Scott’s, the band nonchalantly strolled out onto the stage all smiles and laughing among themselves. The fluidity of the band was something to be in awe of. The saxophonist who came to play here with Ayers many years ago, and never left, was mind blowing. He could hit any blue note on the spectrum. The guitarist, bassist, and keyboard players were all very accomplished in their respective areas of expertise. The drummer has an amazing future in front of him. He is probably in his mid twenties, but one of the best jazz drummers I have ever seen live. Then of course there is the man himself. He stands in front of his audience like a cross between a gospel preacher and circus ring leader and juggles his bright red drumsticks in front of you as he hypnotises you with his heady sounds.
They played several of their hits including “Lifeline”, “Get on up, Get on down”, “Don’t stop the feeling” and of course his most famous “Everybody loves the sunshine”. The adoring crowd bounced, swayed, and nodded as the pied piper of LA exuded such a carefree atmosphere. He constantly interacted with the crowd during this mesmerising and bewitching set. The first half finished around midnight and quite a lot of the audience left at this point, and in the second set when requests started coming in for “Everybody loves the sunshine” he gently reprimanded them for being late, before playing the song again. At the end of the gig the band all mingled with the crowd which added to the intimate feel you have at this venue. Seeing them was a long time coming, but well worth the wait. I look forward to their return, but feel as though they never leave this town.

hello autumn!

2005-10-27T20:11:00.000Z

autumn has arrived once again... a lot of people don't like autumn, or maybe don't get it. maybe i'm 'strange', but i love it. i love the brisk winds and the cold rain and the leaves changing colour. the rain especially... it has such a cleansing effect. i love running in the rain! the autumn is a time for parts of you to die and wither away, but also to hibernate and sit and read and ponder and learn new things. it's like sowing the seeds of the new sides of you that will flourish and flower in the spring and shine in the summer. it feels quite natural to me to reflect the seasonal changes in my own life, and to follow the rhythms of mother nature. so it with great pleasure that i welcome autumn back for another year...

torn soul...

2005-10-27T06:51:00.000Z

today has been a strange day. it's funny how life, just when you think you have a grip - ever so slight - on your life, reality, etc. you're reminded how little you know and little control you really have. in my mind it is all quite clear. finally. i think 'this is it. i know what i'm doing, and who i am' and then some dark subconscious thought comes to the surface and shatters all those things you were working towards. it's a fine line between concentrating on the beauty, and dealing with the darkness... why? we long and search for those oasis' of happiness and balance, which seem to be so elusive. i want to do sooo much, but cannot work out whether the stumbling block is me or the world i live in.... so, the struggle continues....
p.s. this is my first blog and i dedicate it to miss corina guidi - my star of the south...